Gleetarded

I hate myself for watching Glee. I avoided it for months when it first started. Every time I saw someone update their Facebook status to 'OMG Glee 2nite! LOLZ'! I swore to myself that I would avoid the whole debacle, for the same reason why I refuse to ever go to that goddamn carwash called 'Kar Bath' in Orangeville. Spell things correctly for Christ's sake!

But eventually, after hearing my roommate blaring that damn catchy version of 'Don't Stop Believing' a million times I figured I'd test the water just to see what it was all about. And then I watched another. And another. But I didn't tell anyone. Not even the people that I knew were Glee fans, because I wanted to pretend that I was still better than them.

But I'm not. Once a week, I stop what I'm doing and I watch this effing show, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY! This is possibly the most poorly structured series on TV. They sacrifice plot for pizzaz every time, which for a writer, is a hard pill to swallow. And yet I still enjoy watching it. Maybe its the music (although I really only enjoy the Broadway stuff, and its usually some shitty 80's song or a current top forty tune), it's definitely the jokes (although every good laugh is preceded by 5 failed punch lines).

I am starting a list of things that are 'Glee-tarded' (its okay, I'm not using the actual word, and plus Bill Maher says it's alright to say retarded. He is to non-believers what Tom Cruise is for Scientologists)

Mr. Shuester: Not only is he the gayest straight man ever, but he gets more ass than a toilet seat. Well, more like he gets lots of chances. It seems that every episode, some new woman is trying to get in his pants, but he's too busy being noble to bang any of them (Oh no, I'm married. Oh no, I'm not divorced yet. Oh no, you're a virgin. Oh no, you're only 16. MAN UP SHUE) I will listen to him spew his endless bullshit wisdom, if they promise never to let him rap again.

Finn: WHY DID HE SING TO A SONOGRAM!? AND THEN TO A CHAIR?! I hope that in season 2 it is revealed that he is an objectophile he sings 'When I think About You I Touch Myself' to a fence or something.

Feel free to add your own, anyone-who-actually-cares-enough-to-read-my-blog-oh-wait-never-mind-so-that's-nobody-oh-ok-just-thought-I'd-check.

Aw shit.

At least my idea was stolen by the best. So looking forward to this show!

Don't even need to hear it, I already love this album.

I know that Joanna Newsom has been busy dating Andy Samberg and starring in MGMT music videos, but I think its about time she get back to doing what she does best. Her last album Ys is now four years old and her tour dates have been few and far between (and far away). I need some more elfish melodies and Tolkien-esque lyrics!

Well it looks like everyone's favorite freak-folk caterwauling harpist agrees. Drag City recently posted a cryptic message on their site warning that 'the noose...um, draws closer' along with a link to the above cartoon.

Soon after it was confirmed that her new album called 'Have One On Me' will be released on February 23. She apparently is also going to reveal the midget she keeps under her dress. Or maybe judging by the album title, she'll hand them out for free. The album that is, and presumably not midgets.

Unfortunately she has only announced one Canadian tour date and its in Montreal. She seems to have the same aversion to Toronto as The Mountain Goats do (please John Darnielle? Maybe he didn't hear that SARS and the garbage strike are over?)

I can't even explain how much I love Joanna Newsom's music. I love every song from her jarring harpsichord driven melodies, to her heartbreaking 12 minute long epic poems. If you've never heard of her, listen to her. You'll probably hate her.

'Bloodletting' = Lobotomy Inducing

We all know that old saying 'don't judge a book by its cover' is bullshit. I always judge books by their covers. And by their thickness, because everyone knows the thicker the book, the smarter you look. Thats why I pretended to read Gone With the Wind in Grade 7 when I actually just used it as a doorstop. Sounds stupid? Well I sort of won the academic award and while you were at home 'studying' and 'earning' your grades, I was probably making up a dance to an S-Club song in my bedroom ... so....just saying.

The aforementioned theory also applies to opening credits of TV shows. If the credits suck, the show probably will too. There are of course, exceptions to every rule (Twitch City had possibly the most cringe-worthy credits, but is a totally bad ass show). I was actually excited for TMN's Bloodletting & Miraculous Cures. I thought, Giller prize winning source material + plus that Terry Fox Guy + The Movie Network= Gold. But as soon as I saw the opening credits, my heart fell. They were bad. We're talking Californatication opening credits bad (which appear to have been inspired by the credits of Saved by the Bell: The College Years).

The show went rapidly downhill from that point on. None of the characters are particularily likeable. Vincent Lam's character is a complete bag of dicks, with no bedside manner, no charisma, and no reason for us to like him or feel sorry for him, and Mayko Nguyen's character is boring as shit. Shawn Ashmore is supposed to be the cool slacker, but isn't cool or slacky enough to keep me interested. The plot wasn't exceptionally compelling either and I found it hard to follow as they jumped back and forth between the past and the present. Not to mention the crappy editing with random 'artistic' transitional shots that just distracted me.

A rep for The Movie Network described the show as ER for pay television. This is an accurate description as Bloodletting is basically your same tired old hospital drama formula but with a few ‘fucks’ thrown in, and minus the likeable characters, bizarre and interesting injuries and easy-to-follow plots.

The first episode certainly let all the blood out of the hard-on I had for it, so they've got the first part of the title down. Maybe episode 2 will have the 'Miraculous Cure' that will stop the show from sucking?

Break out the Bump-Its

Anyone who knows me has probably at some point has heard me say to them ‘Oh my God. That show is soooooo good. You HAVE to watch it.’ And then you probably go, ‘Yeah, sure… oh jeeze I have to go clean out my underwear drawer. See ya!’ I know, sometimes I sound like a broken record. I just can’t help it, I LOVE watching TV and talking about it with people. I want you to like the things I like so that we can discuss it. I SAID I WANT YOU TO LIKE THE THINGS I LIKE. THAT IS AN ORDER.

One show that I often recommend is HBO’s Big Love and it seems as though no one ever listens. Perhaps this is because when people ask me why it’s good, all I can say is that ‘It’s about polygamists’. While that was enough to sell me on it, I realize that not everyone shares my sick fascination with religious quirks. And also, it’s one of those shows that you forget why you love it until you are actually watching it.

Last night was the premiere of Season Four and I realized what makes the show so great (and partly thanks to my writing colleague, Daniel Kurland. Shoutout!) Big Love is one of those shows that every beat has you saying ‘What? Really? They went there? YES’. Every joke, every little plot twist keeps you engrossed in the story. They will set up plots in the first season that they don’t revisit until two seasons later. They will reveal in the third season that something you always thought was true was actually the opposite. They will take the story places that you never imagined they would actually go and you have no idea how they are going to back from it. In short, it is always the most enjoyable hour of my week.

And as Daniel Kurland pointed out to me, all of the characters are bat-shit crazy in the greatest way possible. They are all so deluded, so desperate and crazy that they can and will do anything to justify their actions. Yet even though they are crazy, selfish and sometimes downright despicable. You love them. A good example of this is Nikki, Bill’s psychotic second wife. Despite having wasted thousands of the family’s dollars on her shopping addiction, her constant animosity towards her family members, her undying loyalty to her scummy parents and the rest of her fuck-ups, I love her. She’s very handy. I love watching little Chloe Sevigny lug around a wheel barrow or re-tile her own roof.

If you haven’t watched this show yet, what are you waiting for? Go rent the first season. Just try it. If you do, Joseph Smith will smile on you. All hail The Prophet!

Winter Hibernation

If you ask me to hang out on a winter's evening, there's a good chance that I'm going to tell you I have homework. Or woman's troubles. Or that my psychic advised me not to leave the house that day (all those hours of playing The Sims finally paid off). These are all lies.

I am lying to you for two reasons. One, it is fucking cold out. I just went out for coffee and I felt like a pioneer trying to cross the frozen tundra to find the doctor because Little Jimmy has the croup. (What ever you do, DON'T fall asleep in a snowbank. Even though they start to look like big comfy pillows). Two, there is something on television tonight that is way more interesting than you. No offense.

One thing that makes the winter bearable is great TV. Case in point, Big Love is back bitches! Starting tonight I can once again get my weekly dose of polygamy, underage marriage and short sleeved, white button-up dress shirts. This season is already promising to be a doozy: Sissy Spacek is guest-starring as a Washington lobbyist (not a compound dweller like you'd think. She just has this rural, brainwashed look about her, doesn't she?) and Law & Order's Adam Beach as Barb's lover. You know, the only Native guy on TV that wasn't on North of 60.

This week has also been a big one for Canadian TV. The ABC rejected show '18 To Life' began airing on CBC this week, as did The Republic of Doyle. I missed both premieres but intend to watch them, despite having read a review of Doyle that began: "Doyle isn't a terrible show, but..." Even if its more painful to sit through than Avatar (really James Cameron? A three hour movie that is basically Pocahontas in space?) I'm sure CBC will quickly renew it for a second season and everyone in the Canadian industry will pretend its good (see Little Mosque on the Prairie).

Some Canadian shows that I'm looking forward to are the new season of Dragon's Den, the triumphant return of the Kids in The Hall with their mini-series 'Death Comes to Town' and TMN's Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures which is on tonight before the season premiere of Big Love.

So you could go out, spend money you don't have and freeze your ass off. Or you could tell your friends to fuck off, turn up the heat and stay-in for some good old tube time. With so much to choose from, something is bound to be good, right? If not I'll play the Little Mosque drinking game where I take a shot every time they tell a joke. If I watch a whole season in one go, I'll be lucky to get a buzz on.

Dragons vs. Sharks

I found it interesting that two of the Canadian business moguls from Dragons Den made it on to the American version called 'Shark Tank' that aired this past summer on ABC. Kevin O'Leary who is the Den's version of Simon Cowell (minus the too-tight T's) as well as Robert Herjavec (a complete and utter babe. I would output for his income any day of the week) appear on the US version. Of course, there is no mention of their Canuck roots. Best to keep the American audience from finding out that we walk among them... AND WE LOOK JUST LIKE THEM. The uprising is still in the planning stages.

In my opinion the Canadian version is far superior to the American one for several reasons. Besides the shitty title-sequence and the ridiculous disclaimer ('No money is being solicited from the television audience.' Are Americans really that stupid?) the main difference is the tone of the show. Dragon's Den doesn't tell you very much about the people who are pitching, which makes it far easier to laugh at their stupid ideas. Shark Tank on the other hand, has an added personal touch by first showing a brief field segment about the pitcher and their life. Most have a sob story about how they overcame cancer and gained a new outlook, or how they took out two mortagages on their home in order to finance their business. It makes it so much harder to laugh when the Sharks tell them they are irresponsible morons for blowing their kid's college fund on a terrible Wayne Szalinski-type invention.

Lucky for me I have no emotions and I still enjoy watching their dreams fly out the window along with their dignity. As one Shark pointed out, one of the biggest problems in America today is that there is too much false encouragement. Hopefully this show will not only succeed in giving a leg up to a few deserving, hard working people but also serve as a reality check for some of the kooks out there who are trying to push their terrible inventions on the world. Yes, guy who wants to surgically implant rechargeable bluetooth chips into every man woman and child to presumeably control their thoughts, I'm looking at you.