Please Stand By

Gleetarded

2010-04-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

I hate myself for watching Glee. I avoided it for months when it first started. Every time I saw someone update their Facebook status to 'OMG Glee 2nite! LOLZ'! I swore to myself that I would avoid the whole debacle, for the same reason why I refuse to ever go to that goddamn carwash called 'Kar Bath' in Orangeville. Spell things correctly for Christ's sake!

But eventually, after hearing my roommate blaring that damn catchy version of 'Don't Stop Believing' a million times I figured I'd test the water just to see what it was all about. And then I watched another. And another. But I didn't tell anyone. Not even the people that I knew were Glee fans, because I wanted to pretend that I was still better than them.

But I'm not. Once a week, I stop what I'm doing and I watch this effing show, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY! This is possibly the most poorly structured series on TV. They sacrifice plot for pizzaz every time, which for a writer, is a hard pill to swallow. And yet I still enjoy watching it. Maybe its the music (although I really only enjoy the Broadway stuff, and its usually some shitty 80's song or a current top forty tune), it's definitely the jokes (although every good laugh is preceded by 5 failed punch lines).

I am starting a list of things that are 'Glee-tarded' (its okay, I'm not using the actual word, and plus Bill Maher says it's alright to say retarded. He is to non-believers what Tom Cruise is for Scientologists)

Mr. Shuester: Not only is he the gayest straight man ever, but he gets more ass than a toilet seat. Well, more like he gets lots of chances. It seems that every episode, some new woman is trying to get in his pants, but he's too busy being noble to bang any of them (Oh no, I'm married. Oh no, I'm not divorced yet. Oh no, you're a virgin. Oh no, you're only 16. MAN UP SHUE) I will listen to him spew his endless bullshit wisdom, if they promise never to let him rap again.

Finn: WHY DID HE SING TO A SONOGRAM!? AND THEN TO A CHAIR?! I hope that in season 2 it is revealed that he is an objectophile he sings 'When I think About You I Touch Myself' to a fence or something.

Feel free to add your own, anyone-who-actually-cares-enough-to-read-my-blog-oh-wait-never-mind-so-that's-nobody-oh-ok-just-thought-I'd-check.

Aw shit.

2010-01-15T09:42:00.000-08:00

At least my idea was stolen by the best. So looking forward to this show!

Don't even need to hear it, I already love this album.

2010-01-13T12:44:00.000-08:00

I know that Joanna Newsom has been busy dating Andy Samberg and starring in MGMT music videos, but I think its about time she get back to doing what she does best. Her last album Ys is now four years old and her tour dates have been few and far between (and far away). I need some more elfish melodies and Tolkien-esque lyrics!

Well it looks like everyone's favorite freak-folk caterwauling harpist agrees. Drag City recently posted a cryptic message on their site warning that 'the noose...um, draws closer' along with a link to the above cartoon.

Soon after it was confirmed that her new album called 'Have One On Me' will be released on February 23. She apparently is also going to reveal the midget she keeps under her dress. Or maybe judging by the album title, she'll hand them out for free. The album that is, and presumably not midgets.

Unfortunately she has only announced one Canadian tour date and its in Montreal. She seems to have the same aversion to Toronto as The Mountain Goats do (please John Darnielle? Maybe he didn't hear that SARS and the garbage strike are over?)

I can't even explain how much I love Joanna Newsom's music. I love every song from her jarring harpsichord driven melodies, to her heartbreaking 12 minute long epic poems. If you've never heard of her, listen to her. You'll probably hate her.

'Bloodletting' = Lobotomy Inducing

2010-01-12T13:24:00.000-08:00

We all know that old saying 'don't judge a book by its cover' is bullshit. I always judge books by their covers. And by their thickness, because everyone knows the thicker the book, the smarter you look. Thats why I pretended to read Gone With the Wind in Grade 7 when I actually just used it as a doorstop. Sounds stupid? Well I sort of won the academic award and while you were at home 'studying' and 'earning' your grades, I was probably making up a dance to an S-Club song in my bedroom ... so....just saying.

The aforementioned theory also applies to opening credits of TV shows. If the credits suck, the show probably will too. There are of course, exceptions to every rule (Twitch City had possibly the most cringe-worthy credits, but is a totally bad ass show). I was actually excited for TMN's Bloodletting & Miraculous Cures. I thought, Giller prize winning source material + plus that Terry Fox Guy + The Movie Network= Gold. But as soon as I saw the opening credits, my heart fell. They were bad. We're talking Californatication opening credits bad (which appear to have been inspired by the credits of Saved by the Bell: The College Years).

The show went rapidly downhill from that point on. None of the characters are particularily likeable. Vincent Lam's character is a complete bag of dicks, with no bedside manner, no charisma, and no reason for us to like him or feel sorry for him, and Mayko Nguyen's character is boring as shit. Shawn Ashmore is supposed to be the cool slacker, but isn't cool or slacky enough to keep me interested. The plot wasn't exceptionally compelling either and I found it hard to follow as they jumped back and forth between the past and the present. Not to mention the crappy editing with random 'artistic' transitional shots that just distracted me.

A rep for The Movie Network described the show as ER for pay television. This is an accurate description as Bloodletting is basically your same tired old hospital drama formula but with a few ‘fucks’ thrown in, and minus the likeable characters, bizarre and interesting injuries and easy-to-follow plots.

The first episode certainly let all the blood out of the hard-on I had for it, so they've got the first part of the title down. Maybe episode 2 will have the 'Miraculous Cure' that will stop the show from sucking?

Break out the Bump-Its

2010-01-11T11:16:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me has probably at some point has heard me say to them ‘Oh my God. That show is soooooo good. You HAVE to watch it.’ And then you probably go, ‘Yeah, sure… oh jeeze I have to go clean out my underwear drawer. See ya!’ I know, sometimes I sound like a broken record. I just can’t help it, I LOVE watching TV and talking about it with people. I want you to like the things I like so that we can discuss it. I SAID I WANT YOU TO LIKE THE THINGS I LIKE. THAT IS AN ORDER.

One show that I often recommend is HBO’s Big Love and it seems as though no one ever listens. Perhaps this is because when people ask me why it’s good, all I can say is that ‘It’s about polygamists’. While that was enough to sell me on it, I realize that not everyone shares my sick fascination with religious quirks. And also, it’s one of those shows that you forget why you love it until you are actually watching it.

Last night was the premiere of Season Four and I realized what makes the show so great (and partly thanks to my writing colleague, Daniel Kurland. Shoutout!) Big Love is one of those shows that every beat has you saying ‘What? Really? They went there? YES’. Every joke, every little plot twist keeps you engrossed in the story. They will set up plots in the first season that they don’t revisit until two seasons later. They will reveal in the third season that something you always thought was true was actually the opposite. They will take the story places that you never imagined they would actually go and you have no idea how they are going to back from it. In short, it is always the most enjoyable hour of my week.

And as Daniel Kurland pointed out to me, all of the characters are bat-shit crazy in the greatest way possible. They are all so deluded, so desperate and crazy that they can and will do anything to justify their actions. Yet even though they are crazy, selfish and sometimes downright despicable. You love them. A good example of this is Nikki, Bill’s psychotic second wife. Despite having wasted thousands of the family’s dollars on her shopping addiction, her constant animosity towards her family members, her undying loyalty to her scummy parents and the rest of her fuck-ups, I love her. She’s very handy. I love watching little Chloe Sevigny lug around a wheel barrow or re-tile her own roof.

If you haven’t watched this show yet, what are you waiting for? Go rent the first season. Just try it. If you do, Joseph Smith will smile on you. All hail The Prophet!

Winter Hibernation

2010-01-10T09:37:00.000-08:00

If you ask me to hang out on a winter's evening, there's a good chance that I'm going to tell you I have homework. Or woman's troubles. Or that my psychic advised me not to leave the house that day (all those hours of playing The Sims finally paid off). These are all lies.

I am lying to you for two reasons. One, it is fucking cold out. I just went out for coffee and I felt like a pioneer trying to cross the frozen tundra to find the doctor because Little Jimmy has the croup. (What ever you do, DON'T fall asleep in a snowbank. Even though they start to look like big comfy pillows). Two, there is something on television tonight that is way more interesting than you. No offense.

One thing that makes the winter bearable is great TV. Case in point, Big Love is back bitches! Starting tonight I can once again get my weekly dose of polygamy, underage marriage and short sleeved, white button-up dress shirts. This season is already promising to be a doozy: Sissy Spacek is guest-starring as a Washington lobbyist (not a compound dweller like you'd think. She just has this rural, brainwashed look about her, doesn't she?) and Law & Order's Adam Beach as Barb's lover. You know, the only Native guy on TV that wasn't on North of 60.

This week has also been a big one for Canadian TV. The ABC rejected show '18 To Life' began airing on CBC this week, as did The Republic of Doyle. I missed both premieres but intend to watch them, despite having read a review of Doyle that began: "Doyle isn't a terrible show, but..." Even if its more painful to sit through than Avatar (really James Cameron? A three hour movie that is basically Pocahontas in space?) I'm sure CBC will quickly renew it for a second season and everyone in the Canadian industry will pretend its good (see Little Mosque on the Prairie).

Some Canadian shows that I'm looking forward to are the new season of Dragon's Den, the triumphant return of the Kids in The Hall with their mini-series 'Death Comes to Town' and TMN's Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures which is on tonight before the season premiere of Big Love.

So you could go out, spend money you don't have and freeze your ass off. Or you could tell your friends to fuck off, turn up the heat and stay-in for some good old tube time. With so much to choose from, something is bound to be good, right? If not I'll play the Little Mosque drinking game where I take a shot every time they tell a joke. If I watch a whole season in one go, I'll be lucky to get a buzz on.

Dragons vs. Sharks

2009-11-09T13:12:00.000-08:00

I found it interesting that two of the Canadian business moguls from Dragons Den made it on to the American version called 'Shark Tank' that aired this past summer on ABC. Kevin O'Leary who is the Den's version of Simon Cowell (minus the too-tight T's) as well as Robert Herjavec (a complete and utter babe. I would output for his income any day of the week) appear on the US version. Of course, there is no mention of their Canuck roots. Best to keep the American audience from finding out that we walk among them... AND WE LOOK JUST LIKE THEM. The uprising is still in the planning stages.

In my opinion the Canadian version is far superior to the American one for several reasons. Besides the shitty title-sequence and the ridiculous disclaimer ('No money is being solicited from the television audience.' Are Americans really that stupid?) the main difference is the tone of the show. Dragon's Den doesn't tell you very much about the people who are pitching, which makes it far easier to laugh at their stupid ideas. Shark Tank on the other hand, has an added personal touch by first showing a brief field segment about the pitcher and their life. Most have a sob story about how they overcame cancer and gained a new outlook, or how they took out two mortagages on their home in order to finance their business. It makes it so much harder to laugh when the Sharks tell them they are irresponsible morons for blowing their kid's college fund on a terrible Wayne Szalinski-type invention.

Lucky for me I have no emotions and I still enjoy watching their dreams fly out the window along with their dignity. As one Shark pointed out, one of the biggest problems in America today is that there is too much false encouragement. Hopefully this show will not only succeed in giving a leg up to a few deserving, hard working people but also serve as a reality check for some of the kooks out there who are trying to push their terrible inventions on the world. Yes, guy who wants to surgically implant rechargeable bluetooth chips into every man woman and child to presumeably control their thoughts, I'm looking at you.

I love to see people fail

2009-11-09T12:05:00.000-08:00

I have never had a mind for business. I don't really know how the economy works and frankly, I don't really care. Word like 'stocks' and 'revenues' and 'dollars' just make my eyes glaze over. And why is everyone always talking about the price of tea in China and how things aren't affecting it? I'll never know. However the CBC show Dragons Den is about more than just business and investments, its about crushing people's lifelong dreams, which I am all for.

I am a little behind on this season and I just finished watching last week's episode on cbc.ca (glad that its available but their video player kind of blows unfortunately) and it was a doozy.

The most impressive pitch by far was the socially awkward truck driver who pitched a motorized skateboard. He called it 'Schmotoboard' which he said was because people would always say 'Why don't you go take a ride on your little schmoto-board thingy.' He had a prepared answer for every question the Dragon's fired at him and managed to walk out with an offer from Brett.

I was also quite taken with the guys who pitched ScribbleLive, a live blogging site that is jumping on the social networking band-wagon. Since launching six weeks ago they have already managed to snag clients like Rogers Communications and Hearst Publishing. Although I am still not entirely sure of how it works, it looks friggin cool. You can check it out here http://www.scribblelive.com.

Contrast those pitches with the one from the small-town woman who fancies herself an expert on big-city transit. Her 'invention' was a traffic flow system. Essentially a bunch of signs and barriers constructed of plastic road-hockey nets and duct tape that she believes will cut back on commuter traffic. She entered the Den with a few toots on her toy train whistle followed by a fake subway train made of bedsheets that was being pulled by her children, which was entertaining to say the least. Naturally the Dragons shot her down and she and her train pulled out as she gave a few more toots on her horn. I suspect she was just sobbing into the whistle.

Fogeddaboud it

2009-10-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

The Sopranos is the last show I thought I'd ever get into. I'm not that interested in violence. I hate Tarantino's movies and I never really thought it was that funny when dads got hit in the balls with foam bats on America's Funniest Home Videos. Okay maybe I laughed a little bit, but that was mostly just because of Bob Saget's falsetto voice. Ohhhh Danny.

But after hearing that The Sopranos is supposedly the best show to ever be on television, I had to at least give it a try. The pilot was to say the least, underwhelming but I kept on. It wasn't until around Episode 3 or 4 that I realized, it is a damn good show! Makes me jealous that there isn't an Irish-Canadian mob that I can join.

Tony Soprano is a bafflingly likeable character. He is an immoral, unfaithful, racist, temperamental douchebag. Yet somehow you only want to see him succeed. Every time he promises Carmella that he will stop cheating and I believe him. He never does, but I forgive him anyways. Christopher is hopelessly thick and Paulie is idiotically charming when he points out every joke he makes. The female characters are more of a toss up- Carmella and Adriana are well written but Meadow is too whiny and Janice needs to be punched in the gunt.

From a writer's point of view, this is one of those shows I can't watch without a notead nearby. The storytelling is simplistic, yet somehow brilliant. I am totally jealous that David Chase thought of the psychiatrist thing first. Melfi and Tony's sessions act as a greek chorus nd add a whole new layer to the show. I desperately want to come up with my own way of doing this in the pilot I'm working on without actually stealing from Chase.

I am only on Season 4 but I intend to finish very soon. I don't know about 'the best show to ever be on television' but it is pretty fucking good. I am a violence convert. But I still stand by the Tarantino thing. Inglorius Basterds was mediocre at best.

Michael Scott, meet Fonzie Fonzarelli

2009-10-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, I was the biggest fan of The Office you could find. Before everyone liked it, I was that annoying kid who brought the DVD to parties and tried to make people watch it. I wrote a spec script of the show. I worshiped Steve Carrell and quoted Michael Scott. I literally ran out of my Thursday night class so I could be home in time to watch it.

The first 3 seasons of this show were friggin genius. Week after week it got better, the jokes got funnier. And then Season 4 happened and something started to change. It was still funny, but my sides weren't hurting by the end of the episode the way they used to. Then episode 10, 'Chair Model' aired and I was confused. Where were the jokes? What about the hilarious b-plot? When the episode finished I felt cheated. The rest of the season picked up, but it just didn't feel the same.

The writers stumbled through Season 5 with a few good moments, but a lot of episodes left me longing for the days when a mere look exchanged between Jim and Pam made me sigh. When Season 6 premiered, I meant to watch it but I got distracted. I intended to catch up on the episodes I missed, but the drive just wasn't there anymore. Last night I tuned in for the first time this season and was surprised to find that Jim and Pam were getting married. I settled down to watch the hour long episode with my mother- who hates the show (can't stand Michael's imbecilic antics. This is the same woman who hates Seinfeld so its no surprise). I was also on my computer at the same time. I kept finding myself getting distracted by pretty much anything else. Ooh look my screensaver came on! My mother would start laughing or ask 'What did Michael say?' and I had no idea. The episode all Jim and Pam fans have been waiting for, and it couldn't compete for my attention against A SCREEN SAVER. Again, where were the jokes? Andy ripped his scrotum! HILARIOUS. That's the best they could do? Oh, Dwight slept with Pam's sister. Kevin wore kleenex boxes on his feet. Thats great, but where was the snappy dialogue? And the youtube tribute lasted about 5 minutes too long. I laughed more in 5 minutes of last night's Parks and Rec episode than I did in a whole hour of The Office. And thats really saying something.

This show jumped the shark a long time ago- pretty much when Jim and Pam first got together. Now its gone way past sharks. We're talking whale jumping here. I know many would disagree, but don't let your love of Jim and Pam blind you, people!

I love(d) this show, so thats why I am begging, PLEADING with the creative team of The Office: take a page out of Ricky Gervais' book and end this show. He knows that you should end a show when its still fresh and good. Its too late to end on a high point, but at least end it before it gets any worse.

Let's give'er another go.

2009-10-09T09:20:00.001-07:00

I'm going to try this again. I didn't think anyone cared so I stopped writing. I still don't think anyone cares, but now I don't care. So I'm going for it. Plus I had oral surgery yesterday and I'm bored out of my mind.

"I'm the Fucking Celebrity!"

2009-04-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

I have a terrible secret. I love trashy reality shows. The Surreal Life, The Flavour of Love, I Know My Kids A Star... my tasteless viewing habits know no bounds. Not only are they entertaining, but they make you feel a whole lot better about your own crummy life because I know that no matter what happens I will not end up on VH1 competing for the love of a washed up rapper. Sometimes I am even late for things because I just have to see the fight at the end of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. Sad, I know.

My latest favorite is Charm School: Rock of Love Edition (which for some mysterious reason is running on the Bio network right now). For those of you who have never seen it, a group of trashy, fresh out of the trailer park thirty something strippers are enrolled in 'Charm School'. You watch the women as they learn how to be 'proper' ladies from Sharon Osborn (when she became an authority on charm I do not know).

Anyways, in this particular episode the girls are told that the latest challenge will involve an evening of speed dating with three single men (Jerry O'Connell aka the brother of the fat kid from Stand By Me, that creepy American Idol reject Ace Young and... some regular guy. They apparently couldn't find a third 'celebrity'). But there's a catch: a group of special effects artists first 'makeunder' the girls, transforming them from slutty Christina Aguilera clones to Ugly Bettys. Decked out in zits, moles and fatsuits the girls are told they must rely on their brains and personality to win the hearts of the bachelors and win the challenge. The girls quickly discover that they don't have much to offer besides their looks. Without their hair extensions and and booty shorts, these girls come off as dull, vapid, self-obsessed wenches.

In my opinion, this is a ground-breaking social experiment. Of course then the second half of the show consists of plate throwing, spitting and girl fights. It can't all be intellectual. The best part of the show? Sharon doesn't seemed shocked to discover that a plate was thrown and she doesn't even seem that perturbed when she is told about the spitting, but when she hears that one of the contestants referred to herself as a 'celebrity', Sharon crazily screams 'I'm the fucking celebrity!' in a fit of rage that puts Christian Bale to shame. Now this is good TV.

Mmmm... TV

2009-03-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

So I watch way too much television for my own good. I like to think that this is okay since I'm a television student, so it kind of like homework, right?

Not that I think that anyone else cares about my opinions on television, but I like to think I have pretty good taste. I also like to deconstruct shows and this seems like a good place to do it, even if I'm the only one reading it. Hopefully other aspiring TV writers, or even just TV enthusiasts will stumble across this and join in.

Now that Big Love Season 3 is over, I need something to occupy my time anyways. That show blows me away week after week. Who doesn't love batshit crazy polygamists? If you haven't watched this yet, I recommend it. It also has the adorable and inspiring Dustin Lance Black (screenwriter of Milk) behind it. The first two seasons are good, but season 3 is fucking amazing. If those writers don't get Emmys, its a fucking crime.

Of course one bad thing about the show is they love their hiatuses. It will probably take another two years for season 4 to happen, and Bill Paxton isn't getting any younger!